The good news was that in her time of need, she’d turned to her uncle and Ryan had been there for her. Slowly, uncle and niece were forming a family.
This was what she wanted, Cassie reminded herself. This was what she would have chosen for Sasha. She was pleased and relieved. At least she wasn’t going to have to worry when Ryan took the girl back to San Jose, or whatever he decided to do with her. But the knowledge that they were bonding also left her feeling like an outsider.
Cassie leaned her forehead against the cool glass. Telling herself that everything was happening the way it was supposed to didn’t help. Everything was mixed-up. She knew in her head that Ryan and Sasha had to form a family unit. Originally she’d been concerned that he would simply ignore the toddler and not want anything to do with her. But when she’d reminded him of his responsibilities, he’d come through like a seasoned parent.
So what was the problem? Maybe it wasn’t about Ryan and Sasha at all, but about Ryan himself. The man had no flaws. Oh, he could get caught up in work and he liked to think he was the center of the universe. On a good day, he wanted to be treated as such, but Cassie wasn’t talking about the details. She meant the inner being that made up the essence of Ryan Lawford. He’d resisted dealing with Sasha, but when push came to shove, he’d been there. Now, only a few short weeks into the relationship, he was terrific with her: patient, caring, making the little girl feel that she was the most important part of his life. Acting as if she was. How was she, Cassie, supposed to resist that?
It’s just a crush, she reminded herself. Her feelings, whatever they were, had no basis in reality. In fact—The sound of footsteps broke through her thoughts. She turned and saw Ryan heading down the stairs. He looked tired and drawn.
She crossed the foyer and touched the curving end of the banister. “Is everything all right?” she asked. “Did Sasha have trouble falling asleep?”
Dark emotions filled his green eyes. “At first she was worried about the monsters. I told her I would protect her, but I don’t know if she understood what I was trying to say. Then—” He cleared his throat. “She was asking about her mother.”
His expression turned haunted and he swore under his breath. “How am I supposed to deal with that? I can’t fix her problem. There’s nothing I can say or do to make it better.”
“You’re right,” Cassie said gently. “You can’t fix it. No one can. You can only be there to help her get through the tough times.”
“Maybe.” He shrugged. “I held her. I rocked her in my arms and let her cry her little heart out. I thought I was going to go crazy listening to the sobs. I didn’t know what else to do. I’m useless.”
“No. You’re exactly what she needs.”
“Yeah, right. What with all my experience with kids.” His mouth twisted. “I’m screwing this up.”
His pain called to her, making her want to step closer and offer him comfort. Knowing that he would refuse, she held back. “You’re doing everything exactly right. There are no set rules. Every parent has to find his or her way in the dark. Sasha isn’t going to understand any complicated explanation about what happened to her folks. She only knows that she misses them deeply. Most of the time, when she’s happy, she’s fine, but when something rocks her world, she cries out for them. That doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong.”
“I guess.” He sank onto the bench by the front door. A bowl of candy sat on the small table next to him. He reached in and pulled out a small candy bar, then held it out to her. “Want one?”
“Sure.” She took it, then settled into the seat opposite his.
Ryan unwrapped a piece of chocolate for himself and ate it. When he was done, he leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees.
“I didn’t think it would be like this,” he said. “Dealing with Sasha, I mean. When I found out John and Helen had made me her guardian, I was annoyed and frustrated, but I never got how big a responsibility it was.”
“It’s a challenge,” she agreed. “But it’s worth it.”
He raised his head and met her gaze. “I didn’t understand that part, either. But I do now. She’s kind of like a tick that burrows under the skin. First you notice a bump and don’t think much about it. The next thing you know, you’ve got a raging infection all through your body.”
He grinned. “Sorry, that was kind of gross, and I didn’t mean it in a bad way. It’s just that for the first couple of weeks, I thought of Sasha as a responsibility I didn’t want to deal with. I was very happy to pass her on to you. Now I look forward to spending part of my day with her. The little kid has gotten under my skin.”